18 Days of Sober Takeaways: Day 18
The Life Alcohol Promised Me
For years, I thought alcohol was giving me something I couldn't give myself: courage when I was afraid; confidence when I was insecure; and enough poise to join a party without worrying what other people thought.
It made conversations easier and disappointment more tolerable. When I felt lonely, it gave me something to do with the ache.
Most of all, it gave me access to the woman I called Magical Me.
She was funny and self-assured. She could walk into a room and assume she belonged there.
She didn't spend the entire evening wondering whether people liked her or whether she was saying the right thing.
I liked Magical Me a lot more than I liked the woman who was always second-guessing herself.
But the problem was: Magical Me only appeared after I’d been drinking.
Getting sober forced me to find out what was there without her.
In the beginning, I didn't feel particularly confident or interesting without alcohol. I was simply learning how to get through the day without drinking.
I had to sit with feelings I’d spent years trying to change and become comfortable in situations where I couldn't rely on alcohol to make me feel different.
But gradually, I began to notice that the characteristics I’d attributed to drinking had not disappeared.
I could still be funny. I could still connect with people. I could still walk into a room and find my place.
I didn't need alcohol to make those things possible. I needed to stop being so afraid of myself, even though it was hard.
Alcohol hadn't created Magical Me.
It had only served to temporarily silence the fear and self-consciousness that made it difficult for me to see her in myself.
Now 27 years sober, I still have insecure days. I still worry about what people think. I still have moments when I would like an easier way through something difficult.
The difference is that I no longer believe alcohol is the answer.
Sobriety didn't turn me into someone else. It gave me enough time, experience and honesty to get to know the person who’d been there all along.
If you’d like to start on Day 1 in my 18 Days of Sober Takeaways, you can find it here: 18 Days of Sober Takeaways: Day 1
To further explore any of the topics raised in the articles, or if you’d like support in stopping drinking, please visit:
Substack: Sally Cardy - Transformative Recovery Solutions
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